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February 4- Waiting on the Lord gives you rest and peace of mind.

Yesterday was my first iron infusion appointment and it started out terrible except for the fact that my parents and sister surprised me by showing up for support.  I was so thankful mama was there by my side because there was a misunderstanding on the part of the nurse so instead of using my port for the infusion I was stuck 4 times and with negative results and I was on the verge of losing it completely.  Finally I asked again why we couldn’t use the port and it turns out that she thought I was getting chemo through the port when in fact I am taking oral chemo.  In the end a wonderful nurse named Roseann came in and got the infusion started through the port and 90 minutes later I was free to go home.   I go back on Wednesday and Roseann has promised to be there to get things started.  My surgery will go as planned because my surgeon, as I understand it has already put in action a plan for an iron and blood transfusion either during or after surgery.   While stopped at a light on my way home I watched all the cars going by on their way to do whatever they were going to do and I found myself wondering how many of those people were going through some catastrophic event?  I hear from others all the time that I don’t look like I have cancer or that I look so good for someone with cancer so how often do we see someone who is very ill but to look we would never know it?  We go about our lives living and doing what must be done and it makes me sad to know there are others out there that could use support(not everyone has a wonderful family and church family).  These are the things that weigh on my mind lately.  In many ways I feel disconnected and my emotions are all over the board but I saw a church sign that said it all, it read: “It’s o.k to cry in difficult times, even Jesus wept.”   I have always tried to keep my emotions in check and this sign was a reminder that if Jesus was brought to tears than who the heck was I to deny the very emotions that he gave me?  I hope that when the surgery is done and I have healed Jesus will show me what he has planned for me to do because I am anxious to do more in his name.

 

Isaiah 40:31

“But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk; and not faint.”

January 31-Never More than We Can Handle

I had a doctors appointment with the surgeon and my sister Sheila and my oldest son Robert went with me for support.  I don’t think my poor sister will ever get the image of my x-rays out of her mind!  So here’s the plan: surgery is scheduled for the 22nd of February IF they can get my hemoglobin up to a 12, it has been at 8.5 for months now ans won’t budge despite what doctor M has tried.   I had to go to Cape Fear this past Friday for pre -registration which I didn’t have to do last time because my right hip was an emergency surgery so all of this is both new and a little annoying.  I just want to get this over with so my legs will be even and most important my pain will be gone.   I have missed so much church I’m afraid Jesus will forget what I look like!  Anyway, I have to take a “surgery class” which I tried to get out of since I’ve had this surgery before but NOOOOO, since it’s been over a year since the last surgery I will have to take the class.  Who knows, I may learn something interesting.   Cape Fear has an Iron Infusion Clinic and they tell me that I am a candidate since my hemoglobin is so low and must be raised for surgery so I’m actually excited about that because it will help and I will have more energy.  I’ve also been told that this time the recovery will be a lot less painful because they won’t have to cut thru my muscle like last time, they will just push the muscle aside this time because there is no fracture like last time! this makes me very very happy.  So here’s my question: if I get a whole new body when I get to heaven, why is Jesus allowing it to be remade here?  Let’s be real, HE is the great physician so what’s up with this remake on earth?  Just asking.   Hey, maybe he has lots of work for me to do yet and wants me in good shape and no pain so that I can do what he has planned for me.  Well anyway, I’ll keep you posted as we get closer to the surgery.  In the mean time I have to get rid of this pesky cold.

Romans 8:18

“For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing to the glory that is to be revealed to us.”

January 23-Never stop growing in Jesus

As most of you know my grandmother Hunter passed away December 31, 2015 and things are still being settled on her behalf.  I struggle with my feelings toward her daughter, my biological mother because she is the kind of person I would avoid at all cost but for the fact that she is my mother and I have no choice.   I have prayed and continue to pray but how do you deal with not liking or wanting anything to do with your own mother?  I keep telling myself that God is trying to teach or show me something but I haven’t got it yet.  I don’t want to leave this world feeling this way about her.

I, my sister Sheila, Starr and my grandson R.J made a trip to P.A to see family that I haven’t seen in quite some time and that Sheila hadn’t seen in 20 plus years.  God kept us safe going and returning home and the visit there was so great.  Nephews and their children as well as my Uncle Monty and Aunt Debbie came to see us at my brothers home.  We took a trip to Everett to surprise grandma Morris and she got to see R.J for the first time.   Rick and I got some quality alone time and talked about everything til 5 in the morning, I couldn’t have asked for a better visit.

We returned home Tuesday morning and on Thursday I saw Dr. McNulty.  My white count is going up but my hemoglobin refuses to budge in spite of monthly iron shots.  After leaving his office I had x-rays of my left hip only to confirm what I already knew…here comes a new hip!  The up side is that the pain will be gone and they will be able to get my legs the same length which means that after recovery and therapy I can get back to exercising and maybe ride that horse at last.  The problem is that because of my hemoglobin being so low they will not be able to do the surgery until it goes up to at least 10.5 although they prefer 12.  As of now they have me scheduled for the 22 of February and the 2 doctors will work to find a way to raise the levels.

Through all of the emotional, physical and mental changes I have kept my peace and I know that without that peace that comes only from my ever growing relationship with Jesus I would never get through one single restless night let alone whatever remaining time the Lord lets me stay here to share his word and my story.   I know that I have said this more than once but I have to say it again, I am thankful for my cancer.  I have come to know, love and rely on Jesus in a deeper more meaningful way than I believe I would have without the cancer.  It is the times we spend in the valley that tests us and I want to be tested because without these test how can our testimony grow?

Do I have rough days that keep me in my p.j’s? yep! but I have come to see those days as God yanking my leash so that I get the rest that I need because left to my own I would go til my hip fell off!! which I was pretty sure it was gonna do and it feels like it too.  I know this for certain, everything God does or doesn’t do has a very specific purpose and we will be our happiest if we just remember that and stop swimming against the tide.

Psalm 7: 1-4

“Oh Lord my God, in thee do I put my trust: save me from all them that persecute me, and deliver me:

Lest he tear my soul like a lion, rending it in pieces, while there is none to deliver.

O Lord my God, I have done this; if there be iniquity in my hands;

If I have rewarded evil unto him that was at peace with me; (yea I have delivered him that without cause is mine enemy;)”

January 7-So This Is The New Normal?

Had a doctor’s appointment today along with the standard blood work and for reasons that I will tell you soon, having my blood drawn today hurt.  I have been experiencing more and more pain in my left leg which I assumed was a tumor pressing on my femur but as it turns out, the blood supply to the leg is almost non existent.   Now to add to things my tattoo is not healing because my white cells and hemoglobin are very low and now I have an infection with heat and redness at the tattoo sight making that entire area sensitive (not in any way the tattoo artist’s fault, all mine because I knew I was at risk) but I am a risk taker!!!   Dr. M called in a script to solve the problem with my tattoo and e-mailed the x-rays of my hip to my surgeon Dr. Hannem,  I am praying that no surgery will be needed.   It seems to me that since I began praying and believing in my healing through God’s power(I’ve always known that God could heal me) that Satan has come at me full force but I will not let this diminish my faith or my testimony, it will only make me more determined to do God’s will.   As I face each new breakdown in my body my spirit continues to be renewed with each days sunrise and I wondered if I would have appreciated the things that I now do if it were not for my infirmities.  Every day people without ailment take the littlest things for granted  and often so do those of us with an illness but each day I purpose in my heart not to let one single blessing go unnoticed.  The most current example is of course the trouble with my leg, I often say something like “stupid leg” but I also thank God that I have a leg to call stupid!  It has never been lost on me just how merciful God has been and continues to be toward me and I believe that that is why I can face this New Normal.   As you all know, my parents go to every doctor’s appointment with me and the comfort it gives me just knowing they are in the same room and listening or asking questions I may have forgotten has a calming effect on me.   My parents are another example of the blessings God continues to bestow upon me and I am grateful.  I wish that I could travel around and testify about Jesus but this is where he wants me for now, however I am traveling to PA next week and I feel something awesome is going to take place while we are there.  I want to be used by the Lord but I also feel like I’m trying to make it happen because I want it so much, instead of waiting patiently on the Lord to present me with opportunities.  I laugh at myself because patience has never been one of my virtues and because even I know that ya just can’t rush God.   Ironically, I think that God is having a good laugh at my expense because He wants me to learn patience and ya really need patience to learn anything!!  As soon as I learn the plan for my leg I will update you all but until then please keep Starr, Sheila, R.J and myself in your prayers for safe travels.   My love goes out to all of you, have a blessed week.

Matthew 11:29

“Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart.”

Just a reminder that we don’t feel anything that God doesn’t feel with us.

January 2-Blessings in the most unexpected places!

First, Happy Birthday daddy!  I love and appreciate you so very much.

Today I went to Cadillac Custom Tattoo to get a tattoo for my birthday, Will had done the previous one and I liked him and the place so I went back.  The owner Chris Andrews overheard me talking and asked if I was a Christian to which I said YES!  Very long story short, we talked about scripture, salvation, how we came to be saved (he has an awesome testimony) and much more.   He called his wife Paula and she and their daughter Trinity came to the shop and we all talked about my cancer and Gods plan for me but Chris asked me a question no one has ever asked me before.  He asked if I would rather go home (heaven) or be healed and stay here, I said I wanted Gods will not my own and that by my asking God to heal me I felt that I wasn’t trusting God and his plans for me.   He asked the question again, clearly the blonde in me wasn’t getting the point he was trying to make but finally I did.  Here’s the point, if I am healed then I can stay here and continue to spread the message of salvation, I can go anywhere and give my testimony to hundreds even thousands of people which is exactly what my sister said she saw me doing in the future!  I got excited because all I’ve ever wanted to do was testify for the Lord but I was short sighted until today, I assumed that giving my testimony and praising God while going through cancer  and then on to be with Jesus was the total sum of it all but I was wrong.  I have always known that God could remove all my cancer but I never thought that he would because I believed my cancer was the point but now I am believing that I will be healed because I know that as long as I am alive I will spread the gospel anywhere they will have me (and even where they won’t) I’m not afraid of the lions den and heaven knows I have no problem talking about Jesus!  I feel refreshed and renewed all be it a tad sore from being tattooed for nearly 2 hours! ahh the cost of beauty but tomorrow it will be all better and it was well worth it.  By the way, this tattoo shop is unlike any I have ever been in, they do not do any tattoos that disrespect Jesus, nothing satanic in any form, no vulgar music ( they had christian music playing) and the atmosphere is very relaxed and you feel a calmness when you are there.  Will tells me that he was ready to give up doing what he loved when Jesus put Chris in his life, now he does what he loves and is learning more and more about our Lord and Savior and you can see that everyone there is a true believer.  We all grow in our walk with the Lord at different speeds and today I was breaking the speed limit all because of the awesome people at Cadillac Custom Tattoo and the wisdom the Lord gave them and their desire to share it with me.

Thank you Chris, Paula and the crew at Cadillac Custom Tattoo.

God Bless you all.

Isaiah 26:3

“Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee.”